My Newfound Iatrophobia

I think I've contracted a fear of doctors / medical tests as of late. Whenever I hear the words "blood test" or "labs" a shiver goes up my poor spine.... Eugh....

It's not that I'm afraid of needles or anything. In fact, I pride myself on being able to handle the biggest of needles! It's more like... I m afriad of the results. I'm afraid of being told there's no saving me, that I have to put myself through another period of tough diet control and exercise and whatnot. It never gets better no matter how hard I try. And even if the numbers are coming up okay I still look the same. I mean, I managed to lose like 8 kg/17lbs and I still looked the same. I tried so unbelievably hard, I ate only once a day, my "cheat days" were when I had a single bite of something remotely sugary (and then exercised like crazy afterwards to 'lose' anything I might've gained from that bite).
It's just like- What's the point in any of this? And I have to keep doing this forever?

Another thing contributing to this iatrophobia is probably my fear of being mishandled by doctors. I sprained my ankle for the first time last summer, and when I finally went to the doctor he blamed it on my weight (???) somehow and I got referred to a dietician instead. My ankle never really recovered btw and I've sprained it like four times now. It's very strange because I'm not even morbidly obese or anything. I'm just overweight. That's it.

I just wish I was skinny. I've been fat since I was born. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of looking ugly, being mistreated for my weight, being seen as 'monstrous' or 'undesirable'... I just want to be normal. I want to be given a chance just like how other people are. I'm sick of being blamed for something that's out of my control, influenced by so many more factors than just how much I eat. Fuck, man! I'm tired of this shit. I just want to eat good food like everyone else. And I want to be able to eat that food without people assuming I'm engorging myself all the time.