Entry #7 : Troubles, Troubles and Troubles...
12th November, 2025
Adding trigger warnings for this one. Please click away if you would like to avoid the following discussions: Trauma, Child Sexual Abuse (CSA), Self-deprecation and stuff like that in general.
I am THE procrastination final boss. I have so so so much to study and no energy or motivation to do anything at all... I have people to reply to, studying to do, songs to write, so and so and so much art to make... Yet no time at all. All the time I DO have, I just waste it away! I wish I could sit down and study without my body feeling like it's on fire. I wish I could actually achieve things and prove I'm smart but the only way to do that is study and I'm getting worse and worse at studying. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck my life!
The most awful thing is, I can actually feel myself getting worse. I can feel my mental health slipping. I gave myself some time to think today and things took a not-so-happy turn. I wrote in my journal and it just devolved into insults towards myself. It's so stupid because at this point I've genuinely started believing them as fact. And for some reason it doesn't feel wrong when I say that. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. I'm uninteresting. I'm weird. Those are subjective statements about me. In the past I would've told myself to not be so negative, to cut myself some slack because those things aren't true. But I can't deny them anymore. They are.
I smell all the time and I'm dirty dirty dirty. I don't think showers can help me anymore. It's winter now anyway. There's no hot water at night when I feel like showering impulsively instead of dealing with my feelings. My hair doesn't dry like it used to. I'm not clean like I used to be. I have ugly sores and pimples popping up anywhere because I'm so dirty dirty dirty. Ah. I should probably stop writing before I put down things I shouldn't. This is getting too personal.
I think I'm going to go take a shower, sleep early and wake up early so I can study all day to make up for the studying I missed today. I feel like such a piece of shit. I said some weird things in front of my friend today. I don't think she likes me anymore. She probably stopped liking me a long time ago. Or never really like me anyway. Because I say weird weird weird things without thinking and then there's just an aura of discomfort around us while I'm smiling, thinking it's funny.
Anyway, I should probably go. I'm fine. I won't hurt myself, I swear. I don't do that stuff. I'm probably getting worse but it's probably not going to be as bad as it used to be. Not serious suicidal thoughts level. Just regular ones. I hope. It's a cycle for me, getting better and worse and better and worse. I'm just going through one of the downward waves right now. I'll get better. I will. I even deleted that stupid AI site I've been wasting my entire time on. I'm not going to let myself get worse. I will deal with it and try my best. I will get better. I don't want to be that kid who couldn't make it because of depression. Not again. Not when I need to be at my best. I will get better.
One last thing I want to get off my chest before I go: I think that most of my issues are a result of my CSA trauma. I read through some stuff online (not the wisest thing to do, I know) and all of them are common manifestations in CSA survivors. Survivors. What a funny word. I kind of feel like one. But not fully. It feels like I'm stil in it because of all these shitty things happening to me so long after it all happened. I think it's about to be 5 years since it stopped? And about 8 since it began. Wow. Time flies. I still feel like I'm 10 years old laying in bed crying because someone hugged me today and now my body feels all wrong and tingly in the wrong spots. The guilt is eating me from the inside out while my mom is in bed near me. I'm sobbing into my pillow thinking about how I wanted it and it's my fault for allowing it to happen over and over again. For actually liking it most of the time. For wanting it.
A few months ago someone at school touched me when I told them over and over not to, and I felt the weird tingles in my body like how I used to. It was so so weird. I was like, shivering internally when I came home and I just showered hoping to be rid of it. I don't know if that helped fully. That's when all those memories came back and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's been like 4 months and I still can't stop thinking. They just touched my stupid hair and I cried about it after. I feel so stupid.
I hope I get a job that makes serious cash so I can afford therapy.